Old Men’s Darlings

by Kellis, Summer, 2014


“Don’t hang up, Grandpops, it’s Melanie!”

“Hang up?  When a sweet young thing calls me on her cell phone, I never hang up.  What can I do for you, my dear?”

“You can drop dead and leave me a million dollars.”

“What’s the hurry on dropping dead?  I could just give you a million dollars, if you had some serious use for it.”

“How about getting a fire-engine red Ferrari to help me attract a replacement for Harvey?”

He chuckled.  “Yeah, that’s serious but only to you.  Try thinking a little wider.”

“How wide?”

“Well …  How about a robot in the shape of a young girl to help me with my bath?”

“Ha, got you!  That would be serious only to you.”

“Not at all.  Believe me, she would be delightful to a lot of old men, especially if she had a sweet pussy like yours.”

“Huh!  What could you do with a sweet pussy?”

“Eat it out, of course, though I doubt a robot’s would have much flavor.  Still, it’s the idea that counts.”

“Sweet like mine, you said.  Thank you, I think.”

“Well, I never tasted yours, but I can dream.”

She giggled.  “Harvey said it was sweet.”

“What happened?  Surely he didn’t change his mind!”

“No, he found another one he must’ve thought was sweeter.”

“The dumb ass!  Another might be sweet but none could be sweeter.”

“Ooo!  Grandpops, I like the way you dream.  But you don’t need a robot, you know.”

“Don’t I?  Robots can be trusted.  The last woman I hired nearly jumped out of her skin when I wiggled my tongue at her.  She tried to have me charged with sexual harassment.”

“Lots of girls would love to help a rich old man with his bath, especially one with a wiggly tongue.”

“Would they?  What do I do, advertise for ‘Young girl to wipe old man’s ass?’”

Again she giggled.  “After young girl say, ‘Who loves having her pussy licked.’”

“You think that would attract them?”

“If you start with ‘Rich man wants.’”

“Let’s see: ‘Rich old man wants young girl, who loves having her pussy licked, to wipe his ass.’”  He chuckled.  “Sounds good.  I’m not up on the media these days.  Where should I run this attractive ad?”

“How about in my ear?”


“Because it’ll go straight out the other one?”

“Now, Grandpops, that wasn’t kind.”

“At least I didn’t tell you to —  No, and it wasn’t true either.  What did you mean?”

“I can dream too.”

“Yeah, about a replacement for Harvey.  That should be easy for you.”

“Yes, altogether too easy.  I’m tired of the Harveys.”

“But not of their cocks, right?”

“Right.  Too bad they have to be hung on such jerks.”

He chuckled defensively.  “Your young jerks don’t take the long view.  The problem with us who do is that our cocks don’t work reliably.”

“Is that really true?  I’ve heard that the trouble with old men is old women.”

“How so?”

“Cocks always swell up for the young ones with the right shape and odor.”

“Indeed they do!”

“My psychology professor says that porn focuses old men’s interest too much on young bods.  You got a lot of porn on your computer, Grandpops?”


“It’s an interesting theory.  Do you have friendly chats with your psychology professor, dear?”

“No.  I don’t like his goatee, but his lectures are entertaining.”

“That’s something else I need a robot for: to shave.”

“Why does it need a pussy?”

“For entertainment as much as utility.”

“I saw on YouTube that the Japanese are making girl-shaped robots that look pretty good.”

“With pussies?”

“You think a geek would make a pretty girl without that essential item?”

“You have a point.”

“Of course, I don’t know that she could shave you or wipe your ass.  What you need is a slave girl.  You were born about 200 years too late.”

“Just my luck!”

“Maybe you can find a pretend one, say at a couple thou a week.”

“You know, that could even be a business opportunity for you.”

She paused thoughtfully then giggled.  “An employment agency for pretend slave girls?  I already know its name: ‘Old Men’s Darlings.’”

“Except your applicants might expect to become wives.”

“Well, what’s wrong with that?  If they were told up front it’s just a possibility.”

“You could even include training for staying current on the news, how to shave, cut hair, draw a bath —”

“Wipe an ass neatly, make a pussy taste good.  Hmm.  How to keep on giving head without getting a pain in the neck.”

“Oh, yes!  That one would be very useful.”

They both chuckled.  She added, “How to nurture old men despite the flab.”

“Probably the toughest lesson.  I foresee great demand for your girls.”

“Maybe even by the girls: unemployable high school graduates, Latinas whose backs aren’t dry yet, out-of-work divorcees, whores tired of their street corners, sluts who’ve gotten too popular …  My God, they’d beat down my doors!”

“You’re warming to the idea.”

“You know, it could almost work.”

“Maybe on the black market.”

“I wonder …”  She sighed.  “Would you believe I can guess how I’d have to do it — with a partner who was a cop or a city councilman.  But would you actually supply the startup money?”

He chuckled.  “How much are we talking about?  Certainly a lot less than a million.”

“Let’s see …  Five grand to rent an office with a training room, another two or three for a receptionist slash trainer …  But where would I advertise?”

“Could you hire an agency?  My last want-ads appeared in newspapers, which I know don’t circulate among the young nowadays.”

“No, they don’t,” she agreed.  “It just occurred to me I know a guy, Percy Blatt, met him in a bar recently.  He’s a councilman and anybody can tell he’s on the make.”

“You’d have to give him a big cut.  Speaking of knowing someone, I wonder if Nell Pleasants is still alive.  She might have good advice.”

“One of your ex-girlfriends?”

“Ex-girlfriend to a lot of guys.  She was a successful madam in her day.  I don’t see too much difference between what we’re talking about and her kind of business.”

“Maybe so.  The problem is, I don’t have much experience — none at all charging for it.”

“May I suggest a dry run?”

“A what?”

“You need to rent yourself out for a week, see how it goes.”

“Do you have a client in mind?”

“As a matter of fact …”

“Oh-ho!  But what’s your stand on incest?”

“It has one big advantage: everything about it has to stay in the family.”

“Grandpops, this is getting serious, like you said in the beginning.  Which is silly.  I don’t believe you could stand a slave girl hovering over you all day.”

“What hovering?  She’d be kneeling between my legs while I watched porn.”

“Sucking your cock, squeezing your balls or fingering up your ass?”

“Why not all three?”

“You’d soon get tired of that.  In fact, that’s the real problem with this whole idea.  Mostly the girl would have nothing to do.  Remember, we’re talking about old men!”

“When I was young, I had a friend who visited his girlfriend in another town every weekend.  On Monday he’d brag about sitting on her couch, watching TV, while she sucked on his cock and played with it all day long.  I envied the hell out of him.”

“He was full of it.”

“Sure, but I wanted to believe it.”

“I’ll bet it would just put you to sleep.”

“Can you think of a better way to drop off?”

“How about sitting on your chest while you lick my twat?”

“Think you’d last through a TV show?”

She giggled.  “Grandpops, this is getting interesting.”

“Are you feeling a little moisture?  Would you believe I’m about half hard?”

“‘A dry run,’ did you say?  You’d have to give your housekeeper a week off.”

“No problem.”

“Five grand for a week.”

“Too much!  This includes room and board.”

She sniffed.  “I’d have to cook the meals.  Five grand.”

“I’m thinking of your business volume but guess the poor boys could save up for it.  All right.  Five grand.”

“Ooo!  Do you mean it?”

“How about starting tomorrow morning?”


“Grandpops, I can’t believe this.”

“Young and pretty with big tits and you can’t believe it?  Oh, I know what you mean, but do we have a deal?”

“If it works,” she bargained, “will you help with what comes next?”

“If I do, how about letting me test each new girl?”

“Why not?  In fact that’s a good idea.”


“So I’ll be there at ten AM tomorrow.”

“Do I have to tell you, my darling girl, that I can’t wait?”

“You old sweetie!  Bye for now.”

Contact kellis@dhp.com